So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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