I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
