If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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