I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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