Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
cat food counts as protein by the way
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
