tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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