Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
