this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
