Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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