Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
