I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You can't motorboat a personality
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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