Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
