Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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