Someone shit on the floor
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
