im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
