i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
