btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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