break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize