he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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