My cat gives me a boner
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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