just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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