good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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