just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
