Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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