Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
