Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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