We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
