The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
