I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
