Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
