Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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