I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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