Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
