I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
