Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
