Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
