I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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