If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
