i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
