I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
