I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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