Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
