Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
