I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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