I look better un-naked...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
