what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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