gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
