Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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