I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Randomize
