If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
you made out with another girl for some wings
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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