Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
