College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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