I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
So squirting runs in the family.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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