My boss' voice literally gives me gas
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize