I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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