how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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