is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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