I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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