That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i will never coherently bang her
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
