I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize